I’m a little while from leaving. I need to pack my life – the house I’ve lived in for two years. I need to pick a place to live in Colorado. I need to plan a cruise I bought so long ago.
I need to learn how not to miss the rain. I need to learn how to get excited about the sun.
I need to remember that every time I pick up and start a new life, I do well.
In Colorado will be Mallory, Chris, Ben, and Caitlin, as well as Courtney’s business. I will not be without family, because these people are my family. I may be without friends, but only insofar as it will take me a few weeks to meet people.
This will be the first time in three years that I will not have an endless supply of men hitting on me. But back home, and endless supply of men will surely be disappointed in me.
I’m going to miss my roommates. I’m going to miss Robert and Darian. I hope they love the house I’ve built on love even without me in it, and when Robert leaves I hope Jordan loves it.
I hope I find a renaissance in myself as a consumer of media. More movies, more books, more comics. I want to write more. I want to live alone but likely the need to have a roommate will prevent that.
I’m kind of in love with danger but I’ve also grown so comfortable here. I have grown comfortable with college. Get up, go to class, put forth little effort, make a B, learn and learn and learn only based on what makes me feel good and what feeds my ego.
May is soon. June is soon. I don’t deserve another Texas summer, but do I have the balls to get up and go? Will I have the money? As of right now I have nothing in savings. I spent everything on a car and now that car guzzles gas which keeps me kind of in debt.
Will I lose weight in Colorado? Will I finally change? Will working full-time AND being good at my job mean that I can make ends meet or will having a higher rent to pay make me break even just the same as I always have done?
Do. I need. A U-Haul?
Whom will it depress when I start bringing home boxes and boarding up my lovely things. Probably just me. Should I have boys in my room amidst the cardboard that says preeminently, “Don’t get attached to her, she will not get attached to you.”
Out of everyone that I’ve met this year, will I still talk to any of them? Particularly the boys. Have I made an impact on anyone? Have I made an impact on anyone?
Will anyone love me once I get to Colorado?
Monthly Archives: March 2013
I’m a little lonely.
Put that away.
It’s always time to figure out what the hell I’m doing.
People keep asking me when I’m moving to Colorado. I think now is as good a time as ever to say, “It’s not like that.”
Tomorrow morning at 7 AM I’ll be on a flight to Denver. According to my manager, the Denver territory is opening more soon so whenever I graduate (May), I will be able to make that city my goal.
But the difference between my “job” and other jobs is that I get to set goals and make my own plans and the only arbiter of these plans is me alone. It’s an apprenticeship. It’s an aggressive management training program. It’s either move up, or move out, because if you don’t want to open up in a new territory then we dang sure don’t need you as a sales representative. Everyone starts as a sales-representatives who typically trains for management in just six to nine months, so 100% of our promotions are from within, and it’s a neverending cycle of new representatives who either become managers and open up, or leave the business because such accelerated growth does not line up with their needs/wants.
You see, because I’m only part-time (or an intern, whichever you prefer), the management team cannot send me applicants to interview. If I interviewed an applicant, they (and I!) would want me to teach them all the field training it takes to make it from entry-level to campaign manager. Luckily there’s no seniority, so they could pass me up or find better teachers or just be a helluva lot smarter than me, and that’s okay because I’m not about me. I’m about others. I wanna manage other people because I wanna create jobs, but the ultimate purpose we all have in common is the creation of more and more and more managers/jobs so the motivation never stops.
Anyway. If I can’t interview applicants, I can’t build a “team” of people who are taught by me. If I can’t teach people, then I damn sure can’t manage an office alone. So when am I going to Colorado? Just as soon as I graduate, interview applicants, and allow those who don’t want this apprenticeship to weed themselves out from those who DO. It’s probably 1 in 10 people who wants this chance, and 3 in 100 who makes it all the way to the tiptop.
At this point, I’m not even 100% sure I’m going to the tiptop. But I don’t know what else I will/would do. I need a career, I love people, I am good at this job, I want to move to Colorado, and why would I give up the biggest chance of my life to make business progress in six to nine months that takes other people six to nine years on the FIRST try/fail?
Well, people could hold me back. Somebody could turn out damned important. Or somebody else could turn out a missed opportunity. Robert told me tonight that I haven’t told him anything in an entire month except about work and David. So I broke down and told him I’m writing a screenplay based on my favorite album in the entire world (Commit This to Memory by Motion City Soundtrack). I read it to him and Darian (which is weird, have you ever read a screenplay aloud?) I had a quasi-date this morning (kinda sorta. It went so well though. I had fun with someone in an organic food store) and almost another tonight with a guy who keeps trying poorly to deal with liking me but not being sure what to do with someone so self-assured and precocious and businesslike. Talking to him is like a circlejerk of superlatives and positive affirmations of life and content-less filler nouns. Oh and a friend who left the business finally tried asking me out, but I’m left with the only pathetic answer I’ve got which is, “I’m seeing someone I’m sorry.” When what I should be saying is, “I’m moving to Dallas in 8 weeks to kick my ass all the way out of the state. Hopefully by my birthday or by November but there’s no measuring whether or not I’ll be ready by then or before then.” Or what else I could be saying is, “I know where I’m gonna be in a year when YOU are fresh out of plans, so if you meet me in your memory then you can meet me in the mountains.”
I’m listening to Jack White & Loretta Lynn, “Portland, Oregon”, on infinite loop. I am leaving for the airport in 4 hours. When am I going to Colorado? Shut the hell up. You should just forget you met me.
Chapstick & chapped lips & things like chemistry.
Sense memory is when in the shower, you know which tap to turn because the water is freezing cold.
I leave a good first impression. Emphasis on the “leave”.
I wear one ring on my right hand and it’s a thin silver plastic napkin holder.
Today was incredible. Last night too. I got reminded why I wanna be where I wanna be.
I’m going to breakfast with a buddy tomorrow.
Business lunch at noon to talk to an intern about how/why to stay pumped, slash when to cut yourself a break.
I love setting three alarms almost as much as driving.
I’m only half-tired of telling people, “I can’t.”
I’m tired. Physically. My shoulders & neck.
This blog doesn’t have a thesis.
I’m going to Colorado Tuesday morning.
I am pretty sure I am going to be ready to manage an office in a matter of weeks.
Lost in translation 