“That’s trying to get the clarity I need to give you the accountability you want.”

This is a post about somebody who had a “crush” on a version of me they made up. They don’t even know I’m an atheist, let alone the fact that I keep this blog where I can process the experience of being mistreated by others.

So, a little over 3 years ago, I posted this on Instagram:

I think it was mildly self-deprecating, if @ all, but it IS a post about how I look pretty in this picture! Which was fun for me, because I was scrubbed into gym clothes w/ my hair up. I did not call myself ugly or unattractive, but all of the sweet comments on this photo are from women who rushed in to hype me up. They had no qualms hyping me up publicly, because A. that’s what women do & B. there’s absolutely nothing WRONG w/ what they’re saying. Then, for some fucking reason, I got these PRIVATE messages from a man:

Right out the gate, I feel like he’s acting unhinged. I didn’t call myself “ugly” OR “unattractive” in this post. If you “should keep this to [your]self”, why don’t you keep it to yourself? It’s bad enough you can’t say anything nice about me publicly, like all the women are doing, but why are you privately confessing your feelings & reprimanding me? I choose not to engage this “compliment” @ all, instead telling him that I have no control over my thoughts (which I still believe to be true, since I don’t believe in free will). He then asks, of all things, if I “need him” for anything. What I could need a random man for, I cannot imagine, so AGAIN, I do not engage his nonsense.

This is emblematic of how I used to circumvent confrontation. Instead of “What you are saying is making me uncomfortable”, I change the subject:

Here, he wants to talk about my marital status. I don’t know why. I do not value marriage & never have. I was trying to talk about these so-called “silly people” (of whom he clearly is 1). The next part of the exchange is even more baffling.

What the fuck does he mean, congratulations, I’m a wife? I never said I’m married, but he is weirdly hung up on the idea. I do not value marriage. I do not value the idea of being a wife. His “congratulations” is diminutive & insulting & presumptuous. He didn’t understand what I said, blew right past it & made his own conclusions. Then he gets disgustingly solicitous, because he inserts himself into my relationship. What do you mean, you’re going to tell my man how to speak to me? I never indicated that he doesn’t know how to do that, nor have I ever indicated that YOU do. I deflect this idiotic comment, & this lascivious man triples down…right after demonstrating to me that he does not know the difference between the word “conscious” & “conscience”.

I was under the impression that when you tell a man you’re taken, he will be more likely to let go of his attempts to come onto you. But when I say triples down…he tells me that if things were different, I would belong to him.

I have NEVER INDICATED THAT I AM ATTRACTED TO THIS PERSON, EVEN ONCE. What’s more, he’s Christian (hence the obsession w/ marriage & ownership of women) & he goes so far as to say that something about me challenged his PIETY? In what world does this tactic work?!

I deflect again. I don’t want to talk about belonging to this lecher, that idea disgusts me & I’m trying to show him that by not responding to it. But he QUADRUPLES DOWN & puts the image of us kissing in my head. That’s so fucking offensive to me that I end up blocking him for almost 3 years. I’m asexual, demisexual, & bisexual. The idea of being touched by someone I’m not in love w/ is repugnant to me. But he has no filter. He’s telling me he’d kiss me, & please me. @ this point, I wanted to cry & throw up. Victor was right next to me & I asked him what I should do, because I was upset & terrified, & we agreed I should block this person because he refuses to take a hint.

Just to help any readers who are not sure whether or not they should try this on a person, let me be clear: do not ever tell a person who’s not attracted to you that you would “enjoy” them. You sound like Jeffrey Dahmer.

Then, 3 years pass. We have a mutual friend who reaches out to me & says “Hey, So-&-So doesn’t know what he did wrong, can you tell me? Can you tell him?” & I agree. I tell the mutual friend & then I reach out to the lecher so I can explain why & how he ended our friendship.

I don’t like this apology, but I figured if I accepted it I may never have to speak to him again, because his apology did not indicate that he had any idea what he was even talking about. I think by now we have all heard that apologies which are just words mean little to nothing – actions are what make an apology count – but this man isn’t even trying. He doesn’t say what he’s apologizing for or how he’s going to change his behavior. I am afraid that if I speak to him again, he’ll hit on me AGAIN, because he pretends to not know he did it in the 1st place. Henceforth we have an extended illustration of the backfire effect: I will present him w/ a side of the story that illuminates how he was in the wrong, & it will make him believe even more strongly that he was right to say those monstrous things to me 3 years ago.

Here’s a transcript of what he says in the 2 voice messages:

So…asking you to explain why you feel what you feel because I don’t understand it is not lacking value of you. That’s trying to get the clarity I need to give you the accountability you want. Um. I did not realize that telling you that you were valuable & that I would keep you if I had the opportunity was an offensive thing so I need your help to process your feelings, your vantage point, to give you the accountability you’re asking for.

I do not think of you as some small child or some person that doesn’t deserve to be regarded & historically I have been going back & forth on where my devaluation of you occurred so that I can see that thing & correct that thing because if I did it to you I’ve probably done it to other people. So my valuation of you is such that I’ve gone back & I’ve talked to every woman I know, asking them to correct me where I need correction, because of you Megan.

He asks for clarity so he can be accountable, but he’s also completely illiterate. I wasn’t saying I am treated like a small child by him, I’m saying that he apologized like a 2-year-old. That went completely over his head, because he’s so arrogant. STILL, he says he wants clarity & to be accountable, so I try to explain the now-3-years-old situation (a situation which is older than the mental age he is when he tries to apologize) to him.

I’m also fairly certain that he’s never spoken to a woman about these messages & shown them to her. I have shown these messages to most of the women in my life, & they all agree that he is hitting on me, & virtue-signaling to boot. If he showed this to “every women [he knows]”, surely 1 of them would have picked up on the fact that I am not responding to the vile picture he’s painting & told him. He’s an outright liar or he’s committed the lie of omission by never showing anybody the messages in question.

This man is SO EAGER to not be accountable that he starts defending himself before I even respond! Why would you lead w/ “a fix is next to impossible” when I haven’t even told you the thing you wanted clarity on yet? When you haven’t even assessed whether or not you can fix what you’ve done? He LIED when he said he wanted accountability & he lied when he said he wanted clarity! I should have accepted his cloying “I wish you the best” as the send-off he meant it to be. He did NOT want to hear what I had to say next, so he didn’t hear it.

Here we go again – he’s putting words in my mouth. I never said that he asked me to be w/ him. That’s what a come-on is though; it’s implied romantic or sexual interest in another person, & “I’ve had a crush on you for 7 years” IS IMPLIED ROMANTIC OR SEXUAL INTEREST. He never once mentioned my “value”, but he did mention my looks & the idea of touching me. Hitting on someone online is SO cowardly, I can’t stand it. This is why sites like datingappgarbage exist – because idiots like this think they can get away w/ saying whatever they want through any online portal & it will keep them safe from scrutiny. That’s not true. I may not be revealing who this person is, but I can certainly scrutinize their aberrant behavior. Also, not to be a broken record, but is this man REALLY TALKING ABOUT OWNERSHIP AGAIN?! Who says something like that? That alone tells me we are not @ the same station in life – men my age don’t TALK THAT WAY.

For what it’s worth, I don’t know how old this guy is, I just know he’s more than 10 years my senior, & that a 23-year-old or a 29-year-old don’t have the same life experience as any but the SADDEST 34- or 40-year-olds. Why would I want to be w/ someone who is a decade older than me & is still this childish when they get called out?

He CONTINUES to be condescending, & what’s worse, now that I’ve told him I believe people reach stations in life, he ONLY hears “age gap”. The rest of his argument is a straw man. He doesn’t bother asking me what I mean by stations even once. For you, my audience: I mean that playing fields are leveled by experiences. 2 people who’ve each been divorced once each are likely to be @ the same station. 2 people who graduated college a decade or more ago & are still finding their career path are likely to be @ the same station. 2 people who are in highschool. 2 people who are retired. 2 people who are each single parents. It’s not a hard concept to explain, but god forbid this reprobate take any actual interest in the thoughts in my head. He makes this about things I have not once indicated, because if he pretends the issue is about something else then he’s off the hook; hence, a straw man argument. He makes this about whether or not he forced a belief system on me, or whether or not he asked me out. If he were capable of listening to me (or reading between the lines 3 years ago), he would hear me saying “Your comments were unwelcome & I want you to apologize for making me uncomfortable.” If he had asked women what he did wrong & showed them this interaction, they could have cleared it all up then. Instead, he ENTHUSIASTICALLY defends the nasty things he said as “compliments” then thanks me again, because he really doesn’t want to be accountable, so he wants the conversation to stop.

He doesn’t even acknowledge that I answered his question. He asked me if this would’ve happened were he younger & I said “YES!” & he ignores it.

I do not like being spoken to like whomever he thinks I am. I am not mawkish, impressionable, or easily fooled. He’s barking up the wrong tree if he thinks I’m going to stop arguing just because he thanks me for what I’ve had to say. I won’t stop until what I’ve had to say is understood.

Again, it’s a really cowardly move to hit on someone whom you know does not like you over the internet. It’s also a really repulsive move to put graphic images in their head. That’s why dick pics are unwelcome – am I the only person seeing the correlation?

Transcript of the voice messages:

I disagree. I respect the honoring yourself but you missed the entire point of that message. The bottom of it completely says, “Please stop w/ the ugly self-talk” you were telling us. You didn’t have to agree w/ me & what I said based on your “I’m too old” disposition, but that statement was CLEARLY said to counter all the negative self talk you were giving us @ the time.

Again, because I said that, you have to weigh into consideration that I never pursued you in any space or any way other than to tell you I see your value & worth. So I agree w/ you that we should stop this because your disposition about this I’m inappropriate because I’m too old. You can’t hear anything else I say because that’s the belief system you’re operating from, & I respect that. So be well Megan & thank you for the input.

I can’t believe how many times he is lying to himself & to me. I did not miss the point of a message that starts w/ “I have a crush on you”. & I didn’t post negative self-talk, I posted about feeling beautiful & every female follower (as well as many male followers!) I have told me that I look cute.

He’s also obsessed w/ the idea that he never pursued me. Hitting on someone is pursuing them. Period.

I should add that this man has so few boundaries that he once tried to set me up w/ a different, more age-appropriate man, AGAIN when I wasn’t even single. He doesn’t respect me, he doesn’t respect my partner, & he’s too stupid to know his place. He reinforced my side so many times: when he knew he shouldn’t confess to his crush, when he tried to set me up w/ a different young man, when he “asked every woman in [his] life” what he did wrong, & when he admitted that his relationship w/ a woman 16 years his senior didn’t work out. I wonder why? Could it be because you devalue every woman you speak to & treat them like an object that should be owned?