How is it that in 6 years of friendship – almost half the lifetime of this blog – I never once wrote about this person by name? She was really that fair-weather of a friend?

It’s been 9 months since the ridiculous end to my friendship w/ S, & I’ve come a really long way in terms of redirecting my energies back onto myself, my self-improvement, & ultimately my self-esteem. But recently, I had a conversation about the betrayal & I realized what a long time it has taken me to realize I made a shitty friend in the 1st place. She was basically a walking red flag – but, my insistence not only that people are good, but that she specifically understood me left me twisting in the wind the entire time.

So I’m trying to reexamine & reframe all the backstabbing by asking myself – okay, what does this say about me? What does the fact that I pretended I did or did not care about the below mean about my stunted emotional development, & how can I have more integrity in the future?

What did S do wrong?

1. Working backwards for the sake of clarity, the 1st thing she did wrong was simply entertaining a relationship w/ my ex – especially holding out that I would stand for it. That’s not something any of us expect of our best friends, right? But I discussed this w/ many people over the past 9 mos, & the survey results came up pretty 50/50. In general, polyamorous people didn’t see the issue, whereas my decidedly-monogamous friends saw a violation here. However, it wasn’t a violation of her taking away someone I loved (in him). So why did I feel violated?
   • I believe that I lost all the good graces of Z when he learned that V & I were together after the end of the relationship. I do not know when he found out, or how, but I know that S discussed it w/ him on multiple occasions. That was the betrayal – airing my personal business. In order to take control of this business back, I told Z how long V & I had been together – including the affair. It didn’t make me feel better. It was ugly.
     • What ultimately makes me feel better is knowing that I made the right choice between these 2 men. I’m finally in love w/ someone I can sacrifice my vices for, & in a relationship worth improving myself for, w/ a person who accepts influence. I think what I never wanted Z to know was how much better off I am – as that seemed like insult to injury after the affair. So knowing that S was going to keep tabs on me – intentionally or not – & relay things to Z ultimately made me feel I had lost control of the way I am perceived.
       • She did take away someone I loved, in her. That made me feel violated.
2. Going further back in time, she absolutely never picked me over anyone or anything in her life. She never supported my work in theater, or my performances in bands, or my personal growth in my career. Why did I feel neglected?
   • Her preoccupation w/ Z is very apparent in hindsight, because she used to constantly listen to his music or watch the only YouTube video there was of both him & me. But if I was working on anything – even this blog after the 1st part of our friendship – she ignored it. Even when Z & I worked together on a theatrical performance, she never showed up. I think this may have been because she had her feelings for him back then too, but still. As someone who read her chapbook, picked up her article in Westword, helped her write songs, read the books she recommended, & even went to a poetry reading (or 2?), I can’t understand why she neglected me in kind.
     • What I have learned is that nobody should get this level of attention from me if they aren’t able to reciprocate it. People can choose not to show up but trick you into thinking they’re there by constantly making requests of you. I’ve already detailed a few posts back all the things I did for S, but the conversation I had the other day where she came up again was w/ a former roommate of hers, who said essentially living w/ S was a nightmare. She did as she pleased @ all times & made no effort to be compatible w/ the people who took her in.
       • I felt neglected because she used me, & used people I love.
3. In the same vein – I never witnessed her respecting people she claimed to love. I felt disrespected on their behalf, some of the time.
   • She had multiple emotional affairs while she was married & I was always there to stand by her & try not to judge her, but I did think she should end her marriage if she couldn’t love M. M, for their part, believed S should @ the very least stay away from a 3rd party, J, who had a sexual history w/ S & was all-around bad news. As soon as the marriage ended, S ended up trying to make it work w/ J, getting her heart broken, & then coming to me to pick up the pieces. She wasn’t capable of listening to the clear & salient advice from someone she had married.
     • I learned from this that you should really watch the way your friends treat people they claim to love, & you should never assume that you will be the exception when their selfish behavior hurts others. If they are willing to talk trash about or abandon their children, parents, spouse, or cousins in pursuit of a perceived freedom, then they’re willing to talk trash about & abandon you in pursuit of whatever they want.
       • I felt disrespected or as if I had to stand up for people in her life all the time.
4. Last but not least, I found out recently that she lied to somebody about not having custody of her child. I can’t verify which of these stories is true, but either she let her child go conscientiously so that she could get on her feet, or her child was taken away from her for neglect.
   • I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent & don’t know what S needed @ the time that custody of her child changed hands. I just know that there are 2 versions of the “truth” out there, meaning that S has lied to somebody for the sake of image. & that made me look back on our entire friendship & her obsession w/ being highly-online, highly-sexualized, highly-conspicuous &, like me, highly-self-revelatory (online) about her personal struggles.
     • I don’t want to be so conspicuous from now on about my personal life. Over the years I have used this blog less & less, & the readership has dwindled to 1 or 2 people. But I know that I will want this record of my life when I’m older, & I genuinely hope that the whole of it is something I’m proud of in my old age.
       • That said, I couldn’t bear for lies about me to float around either by my own design or by way of rumor. I will endeavor to keep using my blog & my intimate relationships to tell the truth, so that nobody else ever feels like they fell for a false copy of me, as I did for S. To bring it full-circle, I’m glad that my reaction to S’s infidelity was to finally come clean to Z about the length of my infidelity. He deserves that, & my worry that I was rubbing salt in his wound – while probably true – was not as important as the exchange of facts.

My hope for Z is that he’s happy & successful in love & in work. My hope for S is that she eventually learns how to honor people other than herself. My hope for myself is that by the time I reach the 1-year mark from the end of this one-sided friendship, I will have cultivated reciprocal relationships. I’m working on not sticking my neck out for people who take me for granted, while simultaneously pouring into those who have aided me, listened to me, shown up for me in ways that S won’t be capable of until she changes. Especially anyone who still reads this blog – reading this is 1 of the most selfless things I can think a friend would ever do, because they don’t get anything out of it, but I receive their replies w/ affection, gratitude, & a sense of emotional debt that I am all-too willing to repay.