I hope there is a necessary identity crisis that accompanies one’s graduation from college. Most graduates I know who are close friends have shared their experiences w/ me: the need for a job & the need for pleasure out of that job is, undoubtedly, the most pressing issue.

Compounded by my graduation over a year ago, I have tangled up losing 1 job which I loved, getting into a long-term relationship, moving halfway across the country, & replacing my old job w/ a bizarre one into what is, effectively, a real-life rubberband stress ball (where the rubber bands are my pursuits).

Being happy is a choice I typically have made unconsciously in the past. When I got tons of stimulation, I had fewer crises. When there was always someone else’s problem to deal w/ or somewhere else to go, I felt full to bursting w/ joy because my brain worked on problems at a very specific, steady pace. The cycle of challenge & gratification was a full 7 days, w/ mini-triumphs & obstacles stippled throughout. Think of the routine college affords you: You are presented w/ a problem each week, lectures & homework ensue, & you (hopefully!) spit back your response in the form of an assignment, essay or test after another week or two. Same w/ my college friendships, & my college job. I could go a week or two w/o seeing someone & when we meet again, the issues in their life either had not changed, & I could offer suggestions based on what I knew to be true last time, or else everything was over (I passed the test! I went on that date! I got the job! I quit that job!) & we could tackle the oncoming week w/ renewed fervor. & @ work, especially when I had 2 jobs @ the end of my junior year, something may have gone to hell @ Roadshows or Phonathon but I could come back after a few days’ break & my excitement was usually a reasonable solution.

Now I really need hobbies, though, for the 1st time in my life. Working as a representative for a medical company is a lot like Colin Meloy’s “The Hazards of Love”, except that “the wanting comes in waves” applies to when people want to call me & bitch about something I didn’t know needed to be done, which they now want me to do. It doesn’t foster an environment of order. I can have a day completely organized from 8 to 5 & by noon it will go to hell if any 1 person holds me back long enough to complain about something.

So while the inconsistency is the problem @ Mountain Sleep, the consistency of my home life I find…almost depressing. Justin is here @ home, & he is always a prince. He is agreeable, interesting, helpful, caring, & independent. The worst thing we have to do on a daily basis is decide what to have for dinner & what TV shows to watch afterward. It’s easy, being w/ him, but sometimes I think I’m not really cut out for “easy”.

So what do I do? Well, given that I haven’t made a lot of (read: no) friends here who lean on me for support, & I am not needed by any particular church or organization other than my employer, I pick fights w/ him. The desire in me to actively participate in something, even if it’s an argument, is overwhelming.

The question I’m asking here & the question I hope to answer by the end of the summer is, “How do I get & give healthy attention?” But 1st, I want to set up a dichotomy. Because I like dichotomies – & I think curiosity & wonder is built into my reaction when someone tells me 2 things are opposite. I automatically retort internally, “No, they must exist on a continuum – where is the middle ground?”

The dichotomy I see is 1 of passive attention & active attention.

The 2nd word phrase applies to any time I, as the participant, must make a concerted effort. I will also call it focus. The 1st to when the environment does the work for me. For instance, when I am playing a game or going out to sing karaoke, I’m thrust into a state of passive attention. I am present, & I am attentive because of that fact. If I’m playing Smite w/ my boyfriend or sitting in a crowded bar I can’t resist all the different kinds of stimuli. No matter how quiet I keep while out @ the bar, this experience is exhilarating for me because I keep forming & reforming opinions of those around me, & my brain works @ light speed to put everybody’s actions in boxes. I put people in boxes, try to organize myself into a matching box, & wait for their next move to decide what they or I have done wrong. & it’s fun – nights out include the success of thinking I fit in.

But there are many activities that require my effort in order for me to give them attention, like reading & writing or even watching television. Active attention. I prefer these far less, probably for the same reasons I think I could easily be medicated for ADD. My brain wants to go hundreds of directions all @ once, & upon reaching all those destinations I then want to go another 100.

I have never, for instance, been good @ practicing. I do not play music. I sing because there is no reason, except during a performance, to finish a song – I can exploit 1 line & move on. But in playing bass or guitar, one must play the whole thing & repeat the difficult portions in order to learn it by rote. & most played music is for performance, so if I am not willing to practice it enough to make it performance-ready then I am not truly willing to play the instruments @ all.

The happy middle that I have, between passive attention & active attention, is not necessarily good for my mental & physical health. It’s homeostatic. It’s a weird, extreme joy I get out of getting high & then watching a film or a TV show. Before graduating, I could easily unglue myself from the TV. In fact, I hardly ever had it on & paid attention. Normally I would put on a few episodes of Boston Legal & prance around the house doing laundry & cooking. But now, when I get a tiny bit smoked up I suddenly can’t. Watching some television shows can be downright heavy. I can easily access the deep recesses of my film school vernacular, unearth assumptions & predictions based on verbal & visual cues, & I can enjoy good movies as an academic pursuit. I can threaten to write essays about scenes in The Walking Dead, but I never write them because they will require active attention (focus, I guess) @ a later date.

1 of the top 5 reasons why I want to return to school is so that I can get back into my normal wardrobe of daringly-bright pants, shorts & dresses.  Which is, to me, a lot like saying I want an environment of passive attention again. Work is mostly difficult because I know I need to focus, but some offices are hectic – half a dozen providers & another half-dozen Medical Assistants, w/ patients to boot, kicking around from room to nurses’ station & not able to look @ me like I’m completely enchanting. & if I do focus, it usually reminds them of something they need to complain about, which is disappointing. Nowadays, I’m in the habit of making myself innocuous inside the office, so as soon as I leave people forget my company. I spend a lot of time just trying to pass the time; I will spend extra time in the car reading Reddit before I go into certain offices that make me nervous. After coming home, I scroll through hours of posts on Facebook waiting to see if any attention is thrust upon me. I miss being someone.

The solution to needing to feel like I am someone is probably to pay more active attention. To write more, like this blog. To play more, like when Darian Gore was in my house last week & suggested I get out the guitar for a particularly simple Andrew Jackson Jihad song. Maybe to compose a couple of essays after a particularly riveting album or episode. To be active, to take advantage of the mountains so close to home & hike, camp, climb. To spend less time w/ Justin, miss him, & come back to get something good out of him whenever I’m finished distracting myself.

Still, I can’t shake the feeling that I would most enjoy just hanging out near huge groups of people. Thinking about them but not making myself meaningful for them. I think that would make me happiest fastest. The identity crisis is 1 of finding purpose, & I think sometimes people find that purpose when they start a family. I’m too young for that BS though. I just want to be myself & like what surrounds me.