Horchata

Tonight I had the crystalizing moment of “Wow, I’m really this happy.”
We had just finished eating dinner I made from scratch (which Victor enjoyed because I am finally becoming a good cook!) I was sitting on the couch w/ Victor while he watched his team (da Bears) fight for their lives (& do fairly well) against their mortal enemies, the Packers. To set the scene further, we were listening to the best of Vicente Fernandez, the legendary Mexican singer who passed away yesterday. A singer Victor loves, his grandfather loves, & of whose music I may only know 1 song (but I love that song.)
I start getting messages/a phone call about work. My right-hand-person, Jordan, updates me virtually every night on her side of things. I got to finally tell her, tonight, that she & I have guaranteed help in the morning. Some of the weight she’s been carrying for the company will no longer rest solely on her shoulders. & I think she was relieved – as relieved as she will let herself be when it’s a week before Christmas & you’re in charge of retail operations. But we found this incredible person who wants to work in a spice kitchen & is motivated to learn anything we will teach them. Bonus: I think I am even becoming friends w/ our newest hire. So yeah, lots to celebrate even in a brief phone call.
5 minutes later, I’m back in the living room w/ Victor. Who has been watching this game. Who has been listening to this troubadour. & he’s not speaking any English! All Spanish!
We’ve been together for years @ this point. He’s never done this (I mean except when speaking to family), but all of a sudden he’s verbally coaching & berating both teams, narrating, providing commentary completely in Spanish. The last phrase I understood w/ my limited Spanish was him telling someone “You’re not playing basketball.”
& it all hits me. I’m this comfortable. I made dinner & was proud of it. I listened to Victor agonize over a football game & I loved him – I even cared about the game. I told my coworker good news about good help we’ve both worked really hard to find. I enjoyed listening to Spanish – both spoken & sung – & I knew what was being said sometimes.
& then I told Vic I was writing about it & he immediately switched back to English & the moment was over but whatever. The feeling is gonna stick w/ me for a long time. The feeling that it is so cool to be this happy.
& it wasn’t just tonight or something that happened over the last few weeks or something sudden. I’ve been actively trying to milk life for this feeling of contentment & satiety. I started the day on the right foot. I was a little hungover, but that was because I stayed up late w/ a friend who was doing shrooms- time well spent as it really helped them. I took my hangover to the gym & was determined to work it off. I organized parts of my home. I went to the thrift store for an hr & spent $20 for 5 new sweaters that slap. I stayed sober all night. I fucking had a salt bath. I’m just. I’m actually doing well. & as someone who always thinks I’m doing well, I can say that this time surpasses all time. I’m motivated to take care of myself & I also feel like I have the resources to do that.

I feel like every time I am using this blog is actually BECAUSE I’m doing well. Oh sure you can read posts dating back a decade where I’m bitching & whining & being very “pick me”! But I had the freedom & time & space & energy to compose those posts, & that spoke volumes. When things have been really hard or I’m going through changes, I don’t really write.

This year instead of going through, I’ve made fucking changes. This is not a “looking ahead to the New Year” kind of post so much as a “huh things sure have changed for the better for me” post. This year I changed gyms to 1 that I am motivated to attend because they have amenities, & classes, & it’s pretty in there. I subscribed to a box of fresh produce to be delivered every couple weeks – & I determined to learn how to make the best, tastiest vegetables I’ve ever had. I removed positively awful people from my life & resolved to not be a positively awful person myself. & to accomplish the previous clause, I had to stop making an ass of myself when drinking, so I subscribed to a service that helps me track my alcohol intake & I’ve actually cut my alcohol intake dramatically. I took a full time job even though I thought I never wanted to do 40 hours in one place all week, & that full time job has made me more money than ever before while also affording me a flexible schedule & all the variety that I thought I wanted from having multiple part time jobs. I traveled w/ Victor, I WENT TO TURKEY! & I’m in a happy relationship w/ myself & all my family & all my friends & all my coworkers & especially w/ my partner. So maybe this is a “Thinking about 2022” post. Because I abso-fucking-lutely want to continue this trend next year.